A space ship circled overhead
Excitement there was rife,
An alien race about to land
And start a brand new life.
With bodies made of pods and gel
With many hands and feet,
The chief one bigger than the rest
Did all the others greet.
The mission will be long and hard
Set up your base position,
Then move amongst the earthlings and
Become a politician.
Don't mess around, go to the top
The States is best I'm told
Get in there as a Deputy
And make a firm stronghold.
You say you've lived there all your life,
Be neutral on inflation,
Be strong on housing, make it cheap,
Be keen on education
Be hard on cars and soft on bikes
Make nuclear fuel a maybe
And if you get the chance at all
Then stop and kiss a baby."
Emboldened now, a green one asked,
"So once we are in post,
How can we get them up in arms
Which ways will help the most?"
The chief said "Just don’t try too hard
The little things are best,
Start slow with charm and gentle wit
And build up to the test.
Keep shifting round the green belt zones
And change them willy nilly,
Make the planning laws quite vague
And when it suits you - silly.
Close the roads at busy times,
Get runways the wrong size,
And fill the place with hotel beds,
And then don't advertise.
A blob stepped forward said "I'll go!"
The others cheered him on,
The chief smiled "Good - you'll fit the bill,
By half past two be gone,
So get the body - get the votes
And get yourself in place
And very soon we'll know the strengths
And weakness of this race."
He said "I had them in my hand
They did my every word
I had them running back and forth,
No matter how absurd.
But then one day I said the thing
That sent them all deranged,
I said instead of all the talk,
That something should be changed.
by Susie Gallienne
"The scans of earthlings aren't that clear,
The profile sweeps are muddy
But we'll select an island race
And do a pilot study.
I want a chap to go ahead
To meet them face to face
To win the Guernsey hearts and souls
And put our plan in place.
Then get the people under stress,
And get them really vexed,
So we can measure their response
And know what we'll do next."
A blue blob at the back said "Sir,
How can we get selected?"
The chief said "Son, it seems that
Any fool can get elected.
A small blob shook his pods and said,
"But chief there is a danger,
They'll know we’re not an earthling so,
They'll know we are a stranger."
The chief said "Take on human form
And do your best to blend,
A crumpled suit, a nasty tie,
Will help your cause no end."
Say 'Look – I'm straight with everyone,'
And then they'll find you won't be,
You say 'I'm here - just come along.'
And when they do - well - don't be.
Claim all victories as your own
And leave the mess to others,
If in doubt then blame it all,
On Gays and Single Mothers,
Spend all the cash on Grammar schools
And make the message stick,
That all the rest deserve much less,
Because - of course - they're thick.
Steer clear of women's rights and stuff
Some 'girls' are out to get them,
And they can get quite militant,
Well - those whose husbands let them."
So time went by and then one day,
The blob returned quite shook.
His pods were crushed, his gel was squished,
He had a sickly look.
Five of his eyes were bruised and black,
His feet were sore and cut,
His antennae were bent but worse,
His flitter had gone phut.
They looked at me in horror struck,
And shouted to a man
"No Guern would have so wild a thought
- Good God! An Alien Plan!"
And so they beat me half to death,
Which shows you, I've surmised,
We're best to leave this world alone,
It can't be civilised!