INTO THE ARCHIVES
Now that a video is being made of Guernsey's prison, before the bulldozers move in, the States Heritage Committee has decided to take on a full-time film director to record the rest of the island's fast disappearing culture and history.
Following on from the success of "Jailhouse Rock", the stunning new movie starring the Old Guernsey Prison as a heap of rubble, the States Archivist has announced that the highly acclaimed, local fim director Cecil B. Domaille has been retained to film more aspects of Guernsey life before they are demolished.
The next film in this series is rumoured to be "The Ten Kommandants", a deep and searching exposé of the decline and collapse of the Douzaine Representative system under the brutal Harwood Proposals. There will not be a dry eye in the House at the touchingly poignant death-bed scene, when Democracy finally succumbs to the inevitable.
Other titles in the Cecil B. line-up include:
"Four Roundabouts and a U-turn": romantic comedy. A hapless band of traffic consultants visit a quaint little island, intending to witness the wedding of their ideas with the blushing bride that is the island's road network, but it's not long before the trusty old filter-in-turn system is dead and buried.
"Summer Holiday": a mindlessly cheerful celebration of the collapse of Guernsey's tourism industry. Be sure not to miss the spectacular finale, when star Cliff Bichard drives the very last Guernsey Bus (or Island Coach, whatever) into the sea over Pleinmont Point.
"Independence Day": face the ultimate threat when aliens from the planet Harwood descend from on high to hijack the island's last vestiges of independence and democracy by appointing a puppet government of inhuman overlords.
"Silence of the Lanes": driven over the edge by the continual mispronunciations of Radio Guernsey newsreaders, a twisted psychopath stalks the island, snuffing out local street and place names. Follow the criminal psychiatrist Jody Fallaize's investigations as she tries to identify the mangled remains of the victims.
"The Sound of Moo Sick": in a novel collaboration with Cordamien Hurst, this film will record the final retreat of the Guernsey Cow from the onslaught of BSE, Foot and Mooth and the EU Common Agricultural Policy, which sees the herd, the dairy, and Guernsey's countryside preserved in formaldehyde and mounted in a small tank somewhere in the IDC filing cabinet at Frossard House.
"Back to the Couture": an epic five-hour adventure detailing the fascinating journey through all the roadworks of outer St Peter Port. Using a car specially created by a mad scientist, star Michael J Frossard travels five hours into the future - without moving once!
"Saving Deputy Brian": one of the most harrowing tales from the century's bloodiest conflict, the Battle of South Esplanade, in which a whole platoon of heroic oak trees lay down their lives to save Deputy Brian's doomed company.
(STOP PRESS: Filming has ceased on this project as major producers have pulled out and refused funding.)