VIRUS ALERT!

Readers - please note! The following new computer viruses have been detected in or around the Bailiwick. This Web site sends out a coded protective signal, and frequent visits by everyone you know will minimise the risk of infection.

PEOPLES DEPUTY VIRUS

Divides your hard disk into 33 little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

HOME AFFAIRS VIRUS

It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them "in self defence" with the help of 28 newly recruited `sentry' files.

CIVIL SERVICE VIRUS

Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't accomplish anything.

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS

Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives. Your computer types "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort; Retry; Fail" message.

BOARD OF TRADE VIRUS

Refuses to boot up on Sundays.

STATES ECONOMIST VIRUS

Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS

Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

HERITAGE VIRUS

Slaps "Read Only" tags on all your files and then charges you rent on them.

IDC VIRUS

You have to get its permission to rearrange your desktop, then it probably won't let you.

GUERNSEY PRESS & STAR VIRUS

Rearranges the words in all your files so that they are meaningless, and puts quotes around statements you never made.

GLOBE VIRUS

Sabotages your spellchecker and turns 99.9% of your files into car adverts.


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