Readers - please note! The following new computer viruses have been detected in or around the Bailiwick. This Web site sends out a coded protective signal, and frequent visits by everyone you know will minimise the risk of infection.
Divides your hard disk into 33 little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them "in self defence" with the help of 28 newly recruited `sentry' files.
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't accomplish anything.
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives. Your computer types "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort; Retry; Fail" message.
Refuses to boot up on Sundays.
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Slaps "Read Only" tags on all your files and then charges you rent on them.
You have to get its permission to rearrange your desktop, then it probably won't let you.
Rearranges the words in all your files so that they are meaningless, and puts quotes around statements you never made.
Sabotages your spellchecker and turns 99.9% of your files into car adverts.