Welcome to my joke page if you have any decent jokes please email them to me at [email protected]

click on Bart for funny pictures

 

A farmer owns this cow who keeps crapping all over his paddocks. It starts to get so bad that he has to move all the other animals to other areas because the fields are full of shit. Months go by and he has no space left so totally frantic he goes to the corner shop and orders an ACME industrial strength plug. On arrival he plugs the cow's arse, smiling that his troubles are over.

Further months go by and the cow starts to get bigger and bigger. In fact, it is so large it takes up eight paddocks. The farmer scratches his head and wonders what to do. Fortunately a traveling circus spots the cow and makes the farmer an offer so they can display it to the world in the freak show.

After further months of huge success the cow is one class act, and has become bloody enormous. Anyway in the circus is a troop of monkeys that pull corks from bottles and make music.

The monkeys have been obsessed with the cow since it arrived and one day decide to give the unplugging task a go. With all their might the monkeys heave ho on the plug and it starts to budge. Finally the last monkey - the troop leader, takes an almighty grip and yanks.

WOOSH..... all the shit floods out! The only man not in the fallout zone is a climber at the top of the nearest hillside and he's knee deep and laughing his head off. The ring master of the circus, floats to the top of the shit heap and sees the climber and shouts, "What are you laughing for?".

The climber replies "You should have seen the monkey trying to put the cork back in".

*********************

A little white man is sent to prison for the first time. He has to share a cell with a big, black, bald dude with a mean look on his face. The little white guy was shitting in his pants not knowing what to say.

The big dude smiles hungrily at him and asks, "Well, Boy. Do you want to be the Mama or the Papa?"

In a panic, the little white guy thinks quickly to himself, "Well if I say I'm the Papa, maybe it won't be so bad!"

As soon as he said, "I'll be the Papa", the big black dude answered, "Well come over here and suck on Mama's big fat dick!"

***********************

Two dogs were waiting with their owners at the vets. One dog said to the other, "What are you here for?"

The other replied, "Well, I live with a large family and the kids were playing a little too rough with me so I bit one of them. Now they want to get me castrated."

"Thats awful!"

"Yeah, tell me about it. What are you in for?"

"I live with a single woman and she was out working in her garden bent over in a really short skirt and I mounted her on the spot."

"So you're here to get castrated too?"

"No, she just wants my nails clipped."

***********************

This guy is shipwrecked on a desert island and is feeling really depressed. The island has fruit and everything he can eat, but he is dying for a shag and so one day he goes looking for something to shag. About an hour later, he stumbles across a clearing he has never seen before and sitting there is a sheep and a dog.

"Well," he thinks, "it's my lucky day!" and he takes the two of them back round to his cave. Later that day he thinks "About time for a shag". He decides to take the sheep as he thinks it'll be more docile than the dog. Just as he gets up behind the sheep, the dog runs over and starts attacking him. He backs off and the dog calms down. Later on he tries again but the dog does exactly the same thing.

This goes on for about two months and it gets to the stage that he is absolutely desperate. Later on that day, he sees something floating on the water towards him. He swims out to find an amazingly beautiful woman on a raft who has survived a sinking ship. He manages to get hold of the raft and take it back to his island.

When he gets there the woman says, "You saved my life. I am indebted to you forever. Anything you want me to do, you just name it."

It's then that he remembers his rather full sack and so he says to her "Well, there is one thing..."

"Tell what it is, I'll do anything for you."

"Can you just hold this fucking dog back for two minutes?"

***********************

A man goes to Africa to go hunting for apes. Unfortunately, he doesn't know a thing about hunting so he hires a Zulu tribesman to assist him. The tribesman says he needs a wild dog, and a rifleman.

The man hires them and goes off to hunt. When they spot an ape, the Zulu climbs the tree and starts to shake the branch and the ape falls to the ground. The dog runs over to the ape and bites it on the balls whereupon the ape faints in agony.

"Why do we need a rifleman?" asks the man.

"You'll see, just be patient." says the Zulu.

They come upon another ape, and again the same thing happens.

"I don't see why we need the rifleman!" exclaims the city man.

"You'll see, just be patient." replies the Zulu.

They come upon a third ape swinging in a tree. The Zulu climbs the tree and shakes the branch. The ape swings his arm and knocks the Zulu to the ground.

"SHOOT THE DOG! SHOOT THE DOG!"

***********************

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts "open the safe!" "But this is not a real bank" the woman replies "it's a sperm bank." "Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts. The woman, now terrified, opens the safe. "Now take one of the bottles and drink it", he says. "But sir, this are sperm samples!" the woman replies. "Just drink it or I'll shoot!" The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot. "Now take another bottle and drink it" "But sir, I just drank one" "Drink another one or I will shoot you" The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle. When she has emptied it the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband. "Now you see, honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult now is it!"

***********************

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?' The guy says, 'No. What?'. 'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! Whole!' says the bartender. 'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me.' replied the patron. 'He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything he eats, cue ball and all." The patron finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs the cherry and sticks it up his backside, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey just did?', he asked. 'Now what?' responds the patron. 'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his behind, then pulled it out and ate it!' says the barkeep. 'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me.' replies the patron. 'He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damned cue ball he measures everything first!'

***********************

A man enters in a doctor's room and says "I've been told you have discovered a machine that can lower one's IQ. I am very interested in it, since I have no success with women. They all think I am too boring when I try to have a conversation with them. My actual IQ is around 250, and I'd like to have it down to 120."

"Well," says the doctor, "if you really want that, there's no problem. Just sit in this chair and put this bowl on your head."

The doctor then pushes a button. The IQ starts to drop 250, 230, 200, 150, 120. At this moment, the doctor tried to push the stop button, but it was stuck!

Down goes the IQ 99, 90, 80, 70. He tries again and again, but it remains stuck.

The IQ drops 40, 30, 20, 10, 7, 5, 2.

He finally succeeds. The man removes the bowl, stands up, looks at the doctor, walks around the machine and finally asks the doctor "Right, Sir. Do you have your papers for this vehicle?"

***********************

Got any good jokes? Please email them to me [email protected]